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To say no can be a gesture of love

Sometimes I am so scared to say no. I am afraid of what the other persons might think or feel. I am afraid of hurting others. And instead,...



Sometimes I am so scared to say no.
I am afraid of what the other persons might think or feel.
I am afraid of hurting others.
And instead, I tend to say yes... and hurt myself.


I am a slow learner, I have to admit that. I have to take life lessons more than once. It’s like my conditioning and my inner judge, my super ego, sometimes is stronger than I am.
And one of my inner voices is a tricky one. Because it deceives me. That voice tells me that others are more important than me, and that their needs are more important than mine, and that my obligation is to serve them, rather than to serve me.
I am a kind person, I am compassionate, I like to be there for others. For years I have been a savior. When my children were small I loved they needed me. Their love gave me value.
And I am learning to listen to my own needs. That it’s okay for me to have needs and wishes, and that it’s okay to take decisions after having done a check with my heart. Is this a yes from my heart, or is this a no.
I think many women are raised to serve, and some of us confuse serve and save. We serve, but lose ourselves. For a long period of time, or for a shorter.
And I have often heard that a yes to myself (which may be a no to another) is egoistic. And woman, and egoistic equals bitch...
But to go where the magic happens I have to leave my comfort zone, again and again. I have to stretch myself out, try new behaviors, to see what serves me - and another. And nowadays magic happens in my life. When my yes’s and my no’s are more grounded. When they are based on truth.
When I was young I sometimes slept with men to get recognition, or because I pitied them, or because I felt that I was supposed to. And this yes to them, meant a no to me. I gave permission to men to abuse me, because I saw them as victims, and I didn’t want to hurt them more. And sometimes I gave my permission out of fear. And sometimes, but not very often, a no can be dangerous, can be life threatening, and it’s not always easy to know what to choose.
But to me... a yes was an easy way out... and I let myself bleed inside.
Today people can rely on my answers. When I say yes I mean it, and when I say no to someone or something, I open for another yes … to my self.
And today my life is filled with magic. Being authentic is amazing. I was so afraid of being abandoned or not loved that I choose to play a woman I thought others would love. It didn’t work. Today I have a bunch of people who loves me... as I am... And today i rather serve than save. And I love it.

We need a lot of love and compassion in this world. And I think we have to begin with ourselves. To love all of us, shadow and light, and then, we can extend our love to others, and together create a more sustainable world, where fear is transformed to courage and love. That why we need Homo Amorus, the compassionate human being.


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Charlotte Cronquist

Charlotte Cronquist
Bloggen för dig som vill få ut det mesta av livet. Författaren och coachen Charlotte Cronquist lär dig hur du får bättre relationer och hur du kan älska mer. Blogposts in English available.

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