Charlottes weekly 10: When inner demons threatens love

I am a container of love. A vast and rocksteady container. 

It's possible for me to include what ever happens to me and transform it to love. 

But there are moments when the container cracks open, and fear has the possibility to sneak in. 

Sometimes I am looking in another direction, and are not aware of fear trying to get inside me, of fear wanting to take over and crush the love I am, the essential being I am. 

In those moment I am vulnerable. Or rather, the vulnerability is always there, it's a part of my being. I talk about the moments when pain surfaces in connection with vulnernability and I need to be able to breath it all in, breath the pain, stay with it, because that's how I keep contact with love.

A JoyRide this is. To feel the pain, and to breath in to pain, and to live it, knowing, that this to will pass. If I give in to pain ... where would love go?

There are moments when being in contact with my vulnerability, thus feeling pain, feels really exhausting. It's like life is throwing my shadows, my deepest fears, right into my face. And in those moment, when pain comes in, my task is to let it pass through my body. Just be with it. Noticing the movement within.

I have chosen a life in the joyride. 

Were I accept what ever feeling or emotion, 

where I aim at being transparent to myself, 

admitting myself to live in totality. 

100% Charlotte. 

And this transparency sometimes hurt like hell. 

It's like a harsh tingeling on my bare skin, 

like being bitten by a wasp or running through a field of nettles.

This week the fear of rejection and survival have been my uninvited companions.

I have canceled things out of lack of participants, and doing so brought me in contact with feelings of being worthless.

I have been canceling an education for the same reason, and that filled me with guilt. 

And then it was suddenly unclear if a mayor thing would happen and I felt the fear of survival coming crawling towards me. 

And so on. 

And while my shell was cracked open there was space for other shadows to enter, 

and in the shadow of the night they were blown up out of proportion, 

dancing on the wall like big scary monsters, and they had names like 
disappoinment, 
envy, 

mistrust, 

victimhood 

and grief. 

And while these creatures were dancing around me it was hard to stick to love, 

to breath in the love I teach others to do, 

and this lack of capacity made me feel even more miserable, 

and then I heard my inner judging voice screaming into my head: 

You have no right to feel miserable at all, 

since this is only your thoughts creating it all. 

You can handle some disappointments, let go of that embarrassing victim.

You are love, damn it.

Witnessing this inner turmoil has been quite a challenge. 

Right now I feel like a survivor, washed up at a desert island. 

And I guess it's time to mend my great container of love. 

So now, what? 

It's sometimes painful to live. It may hurt as hell.

Fear is one of the players in my game of life. 

When I recognize the scary creatures on the wall, 

they get less threatening, 

it's when they are crawling around in the dark they freak me out. 

And when I pretend they are not there, it's like I let them rule my life 
- my fear, my fear of pain, my shame, my guilt, my shadow.

Instead I turn towards them. 

I acknowledge my shadow parts, 

I try to embrace them, 

I tell them they have the right to live 

- but, and that's important, 

I am the captain of this joyride. 

These moments in the shadowland helps me to learn more about love, life and compassion. 

The courage to meet all aspects of life, makes me simply feel more alive.

And yes, sometimes I look for a shortcut... 

but having tried that... 

I know I have to choose a road less traveled. 

A road where I am experiencing it all. 

Life as it is. 

Here and now. 

In this very moment.

I am a part of #blogg100. This is day 10.