How to act when I am in danger?
The lawn is green and warm, the hazel eyes meeting mine is filled with compassion. I rest for a while in these eyes, while my tears are streaming.
It is an intimate moment, I share deep truths about myself.
I feel extremely vulnerable, and at the same time safe enough to be seen and recognized in this space.
I speak about the difference between fear and danger, and feeling how danger makes every cell in my body shiver.
What if I could smell danger better and be aware and take necessary action, simply to save myself?
The other day I had this feeling of being burned at the stakes as a witch, I felt how the female power still is, for some, something threatening, something that some would like to punish with death, or at least with a lot of pain.
Im that situation I was immobilized with fear, and I felt adrenaline rushing thru my system. But I wasn't really in danger. I was surrounded by enough protective shields, not to feel really threatened.
But it reminded me of the differences between fear and danger, and that situations do happen when I am in danger, and when it's necessary to find strategies to save my life or health.
But then, again, how do I know when there my fear is mindfuck and when I am in danger. I used to say that the difference is: When I feel it's necessary to call the police, than I am in danger, and then I need to act.
As simple and as difficult as that: Have I really the capacity to, in any situation, distinguish the fear from the danger? My answer is no. I haven't.
When I meet a new person I have the idea that this person is "good", I accept the person, and then, later, if somethings happens I can change my mind and se that this is not a person for me, that this relation might be bad for me. So I rarely meet a person with suspicion or reluctance, I am more the open arm person, ready to love or to befriend.
And sometimes I wonder how well this attitude have served me. Maybe I have the tendency to be overly naïve and than pay the prize?
When I sit there in the sun, when I can breathe in the sunny day, it’s possible to walk into the dark alleys of my life and meet the feeling of danger, and how it affects me. It makes me capable of scrutinize my behavior, and refelct on my choices.
In this sunny moment I can witness how I crumble, how I bend my back, how I make fake smiles, how my alarm gets activated, how adrenalin is beginning to pump through my system when I am in danger. It’s as if my body is preparing for battle, not to be taken by surprise if I happen to meet a really dangerous and unpredictable situation.
And still I have meet this situations and risked my life in them. Why have I chosen that road? Is one reason that I haven't valued myself enough. I do not know.
Some parts of me wants to just shake the feeling away, wants to rationalize it and say: “There isn’t anything dangerous, it’s just some scary monsters in my mind”.
But what if life also contains meetings or people who really have the potential to be dangerous?
I have met them. Here is an example:
Once upon a time I met a man who was a real psychopath. He had spent time in jail. He met me with a smile and was courting me for a long time. I was young and had never met a courting man before. After some months his smile, his words and his manners had melted down my defense, and finally I rushed into his arms.
I was young and naïve and longed to be seen and loved, and he managed to say the right words. With him I felt like a young queen, even though I knew this was just part of the truth.
But I tried to tell myself that he wasn’t manipulating me, that I could handle the situation. Still I knew that this was a dangerous relation, I knew that if I would awaken his rage, my life could be in danger.
That never happened. In my presence he only showed the sweet side of the psychopath, and I actually did things he asked me to do, that I still feel ashamed about, I let him manipulate me.
The relation came to an ending and afterwards I felt saved by the bell. But it took me years to really understand what I had risked by being his mistress.
And now I sit and lean into the hazel eyes, reflecting over the difference between fear and danger and when to take action, and what is a proper action.
I live a life where my gift to the world is love, and I guess that my willingness to serve the world with love, can make me blind for other forces I meet, forces which might be stronger than I am, and which I really can’t handle by myself.
In me there is a naïve lover, a person who really wants that there is no evil, nothing bad in the world, and this sometimes creates a behavior that might endanger my personal security.
I often speak about fears, as something created by the mind, and that is still my truth... but then again... what is a good strategy when being in danger?
When should I fight?
When should I flee?
And when is it appropriate to tend and befriend?
I think that I often in life unconsciously have chosen the tend and befriend strategy, but done that risking my own health and freedom.
The hazel eyes are mirroring me. And I feel a rising willingness to protect myself. How would my life be if I more often choose situations less dangerous? And what if I could smell danger better and be aware and take necessary action, simply to save myself or my life?