charlotterudenstam

Life, magic and sexual power: Yes i belong, I am included


There are these moments when I feel like a lonely Queen. I watch others play, I feel their sense of belonging, while I am alone.
Then feelings of rejection easily invades my heart, and I try different strategies to cope. 
Suddenly the feeling of being excluded vanishes, I get messages from existence hard to ignore. I do belong. 

This week I went to a swimmingpool and I walked to the part with really deep water, and I just threw myself in. I choose to swim totally naked and let others see my body and what ever was streaming out of it. 

Feelings and emotion revealed, shadowsides surfacing, insecurities, shame, feelings of being stupid, misunderstood, weak, and also like a flip of the coin: My feelings of being a queen, of being friends with my desire, of meeting lust arisen inside and of enjoying the moment.

Then comes this phase of swimming around in the pool where we are supposed to make a life embracing ceremony, and the person of mutual choice gets catched by inner demons and I am left alone. 
This rejection has very little to do with me, but still it makes the ceremonial experience a bit awkward to me, and let's face it, also painful.

I am still in the water while my playmates are enjoying themselves together. I remind myself that I do have a body, and start connecting to it, feeling the watery softness of my own skin. 

I feel my own energetic pulsation and to some extents also how the waves of other persons joy becomes parts of my energy, but in a much lighter version. And still the fact that I am alone hovers over me. It's like I have a residence in two different realms at the same time. 
I breathe into my experience, I breathe into the uncomfortability of it, I breathe into the pain of exclusion, separation and rejection. 

I breathe into a feeling of self love, self care and acceptance of this moment. I breath in the contradictions and at the end of the ceremony the strongest feeling is that we are all swimming in the same pool, we all belong, and all our demons as well.

Suddenly one of the aspects of the situation is that I feel grateful for my partners incapacity to be part of the ceremony, making it possible for me  to breathe into painful spaces hidden deep down in my heart, hidden parts and I get a sudden sensation of healing an old sore wound.
When about to leave the pool for this day, fore some refreshing sleep, I happen to check my e-mail. And there it is, the most tender love letter I have ever recieved from an unknown person.

And I really feel the mystical and magical parts of my existence, feeling that ignited my trust and inner fire this night.

This week I have been Fire walker, and I am so grateful for the journey.

Are you curios about my journey in a non methaphorical sense? 
Check out the trainings offered by Ista, international school of temple arts. This was a way to describe one of the passages of Ista Level 2, SSSI.

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Charlotte Cronquist

Charlotte Cronquist
Bloggen för dig som vill få ut det mesta av livet. Författaren och coachen Charlotte Cronquist lär dig hur du får bättre relationer och hur du kan älska mer. Blogposts in English available.

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