Happy Birthday. I leave my old name and I am reborn.
What does empowerment mean? How do I show my empowerment, my power to the world and to myself?
How do I show that I am okay as I am? How do I show myself love? How do I make myself amenable to life, love and truth?
This last year I have let do of what has been known to me. Now I let go of parts of my name, I let go of an important link between me and my ex husband. I let go of his name.
Today Charlotte Cronquist is born. It feels unfamiliar and wondrous. Now I wear my beloved grandmother's maiden name and I wish I would wear it with dignity.
To let go is simple and difficult at the same time. On one hand it’s just like a gesture. At the same time this has been a year of surrender and free falling, like an Alice in Wonderland, falling down the rabbit hole and not having much to hold on to, while walling.
Another metaphor is that of the Sumer goddess Inanna, who, on her way down to the underworld, had to let go of everything that identified her with life.
When I knew I needed to let go of the name, which represents a lost fellowship, felt like a kind of death. This year has been filled of consecutive metaphorical deaths, some of them I have walked thru at ISTA Level 2, Spiritual sexual shamanic initiation.
To let go of a beloved, even when it’s self-chosen and stem from a conscious decision, has in itself felt like a death process. It has been so difficult, a painful process. And in that process my shadow side has now and then danced in front of me. My heart has been filled with pain on many levels and there has been a lot of fear.
And at the same time, such a liberation, such an empowerment, such a possibility to finding my true self.
I have got rid of a lot of luggage, I've forced myself to face my innermost fears: The feeling of being alone and not belonging, a feeling of exclusion from the warmth of a close relationship, has been one of the most difficult fears to meet. I have allowed all feelings and emotions to happen. To feel the pain. To be in acceptance. And to let go and surrender, again and again.
One important part of my journey has been regular meetings with my new tribe, the ISTA family, the International School of Temple Arts organism. In this loving and accepting space, I have gathered courage and power to continue my journey towards more truth, more pleasure and more power.
This last week I have assisted an ISTA Level 1 in Poland – a spiritual sexual shamanic experience, and there magical things happened inside me.
A few days into the experience I felt an inner power rising. I felt me, to the core. Some hours later I got the message that my new name was accepted. It was like spirit immediately answered my inner process.
And then something happened. I found myself in a river, with fast running water in it, a powerful river. I had left one of the shores and was in the river, fearing that I would drown in its currents. I had left something behind, and didn’t really know anything about the land of the other shore.
And in this turmoil I just broke to pieces. My tears flooded, I felt like I had lost my skin, that I was totally vulnerable, and at the same time, I could feel a magic strength rising.
The moments before the strength and power entered, I was lying, shivering, in the middle of the pod consisting of facilitators and assistants, feeling the warmth from their hands, the love they sent to me, the total acceptance of who I was.
After some time I came to a sitting position and then another facilitator entered the room, asking how I felt. He looked at me, smiling saying:
– Happy birthday.
And I feel how energy starts bubbling in my whole system, and feeling how I, in that instant, step up on the new shore… knowing that this really is a birthday. I am born to a new life, and I have not idea what it will bring me.
In the closing circle of the training I rise. I stand in the middle among a tribe of open hearts. They receive me, my new name and I feel that they also se and embrace the queen energy within me.
And I say welcome to Charlotte Cronquist.