Life: Entering realms of darkness
As I slowly walk down the path towards the darkest parts of my soul, I feel life tingling in my veins.
Sometimes I stumble on this lonesome journey, and at moments there is fear, and at the same time I am welcoming this shadowland.
There is no one guiding me, but something formless, something beyond words, something I am tempted to call my heart’s voice, is calling me.
In this dark landscape I am being. I am. I have some sense of direction, that could be forward or maybe down, and at the same I know that these kind of notions about time or space are just nonsense. I am just a moving entity in an inner landscape more profound than my body, more silent and still than the space I enter in meditation.
It’s a space of being, it’s a space of falling, it’s a space of nothing, it’s a space of everything, it’s a space of vastness, it’s a space that is limitless, which I limit by trying to give a sense of it.
Darkness is nor good or bad, nor healthy or unhealthy, nor this or that. Darkness is. It helps me to not get blinded by the light, by my thoughts, by my ideas, by my fears, by my physicality.
I am present in the darkness, I am falling into the darkness, and I am inside the black. Some moments I mistake it for the abyss, and my whole body is getting tense, I turn into embodying fear, searching in vain for what’s hunting me.
And then there is stillness and silence, and the awareness of who is hunting me: It’s me, my own shadow and my own beliefs.
I remember when I, many years ago, was walking home a dark rainy night. I got the impression that someone was following me. I heard his footsteps. And I started running, and I heard the footsteps running after me, close to me. And when I stood at the gate, safe, turning around, it was no one there. My own footsteps had turn into a perpetrator in my terrified mind.
For a moment I let go. I lay down on the sofa, closing my eyes. On another level I am walking in the dark lands. And in my sofa, I find my self and my beating heart. It’s like something is pressing hard towards my heart, it’s like my heart is being torn apart. I lay still, I breathe, I watch, I surrender to the pain, I surrender to the feeling of dying, and I surrender to the fact that I do know nothing about anything in this moment.
I surrender to a feeling of loss, of grief, of not knowing what my next step will be.
In this moment I feel small, and helpless and I hear a whisper somewhere, a voice saying:
You are able to go through the darkness by yourself.
You don’t need anyone to save you in this moment. Fall, just fall, express what you need to express, feel what you need to feel, be what you need to be.
For a brief moment it is possible. There is no light in this dark space, but I do hear my heart beating. Something in me knows that it’s possible not to run away from myself. Something in me knows that it’s time for a true meeting. Something in me knows that it’s time for truth. What ever it is. The time of running away is over.
I am at home, in this vast space, and sometimes it’s a rocky ride, sometimes it’s scary, and sometimes it’s just dark silence.
|"Sink in to silence, and enjoy being."|