A year has passed since I started my new life. Challenges when choosing freedom.

A year ago I went from being married, to take the first steps towards freedom.
It was a time of agony, of grief, and of tenacity.
And it was like the decision didn’t come from my mind. There was something deep inside me that told me to turn into a new path, no matter what.

Now and then I feel that I am floating in darkness, and the more I float in there, the more I love that place of surrender, of not knowing, of embracing what is, of trusting my freedom.

I decided to surrender to life, to surrender to my heart, and to listen very close to what it said. I choose to let go of answers, let go of control, let go of a feeling of knowing what life is or what it wants with me.

And it’s fascinating to see where I am at now. A year ago I couldn’t imagine. I stumbled around in tears, in panic and feared the next coming step. My whole being was shaking, as if my body in itself created an earthquake.

Powers stronger than me, or stronger than my will and my mind, took me to where I am now, an early morning in my castle, in an hour on my way to my working space, and passing the late autumn Stockholm on my way there.

I want to share one little episode from this amazing year.

In the spring I get invited to a satsang in Saltsjöbaden. I don’t really know what a satsang could be in this context, I guess there will be a lot of silence. I haven’t heard about the teacher, Paul Hurcomb, but I understand that many other does. And something pulls me there, so I decide to go.

At the venue, not a single face I recognize. The room is filled with people. In front sits Paul on a chair, beside him a table with a photograph of a for me unknown Indian guru, and then an empty chair.

We start in silence. Maybe half an hour of going inside. Breathing. Feeling what is. And then people have the opportunity to go and sit on the chair next to Paul and ask questions.

At the time I feel a very hard pressure in my chest area. It really hurts. It’s as if my pain is both physical and metaphysical. And the pain tells me to ask Paul about it.

I wait until after lunch, I want to understand the procedure, and not breaking any rules, and then I sit there next to him.

And I said something like this:

“Some months ago I had a husband, a house, a lot of belongings, and I lived in an another city. Today I have no husband, I live in a second hand little flat, I have given away most of my belongings, and I have an insecure economy. And I have this pain in my chest – why do you think?”

Paul looks at me, and says something like this: That I have done a lot of changes in my life in a very short period of time and that it would be unnatural not to have pain in my chest.

And then he asks me why I made all these choices.
I answer that I didn’t really choose. I did what I needed to do.

Yes, as simple as that was my answer to Paul. And I still feel that my divorce and all that is beyond choices, it’s like I followed, and still follow, powers that is beyond, that leads me in the directions I need to go.

Then he looked at me and said: What you did was to choose freedom. And then he points at me, and sweeps his arms to the others in the room and says something like this: Look at this woman, she has done what you all long for, she has chosen freedom.

Everybody looks at me, and in that moment I understand why I was drawn to this satsang. It was about to be seen in this state of freedom and to hear someone else saying it.

This episode has been very helpful for me, and there are others as well, meetings that happens in my life, meetings that makes me understand something that is really hard to grasp with my mind. It’s like I know and then need to meet someone who sees me from another perspective and makes it more possible to be more in peace being me.

A year has passed. An amazing year. It has been a joyride. I have felt so much this year. Feelings. Emotions. Sensations. I have had so many meeting, with my self, with others, with love, compassion and friendliness.

Now and then, often in meditation, I feel that I am floating in darkness, and the more I float in there, the more I love that place of surrender, of not knowing, of embracing what is, of trusting my freedom.

Freedom starts from within and freedom can contain any feeling, emotion and sensation. Freedom feels within, like the big black darkness, and also when walking the streets, caressing a hand or when I feel my sexual energy vibrating my whole body. And sometime freedom means that I feel little, scared and very, very vulnerable.

And I continue on this path. I listen to my heart. I feel the love glowing there. And I am ready to receive what life will give me in this moment. 

 Ruff translation of Tomas Tranströmers words: "Don't be ashamed to be a human being, be proud. Inside you portal after portal is opening up. You will never be complete, and that is at it should be


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Charlotte Cronquist

Charlotte Cronquist
Bloggen för dig som vill få ut det mesta av livet. Författaren och coachen Charlotte Cronquist lär dig hur du får bättre relationer och hur du kan älska mer. Blogposts in English available.




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