Love: What if our deepest misery is a portal to freedom?

It’s one of these mornings when life feels like shit.
When the world is painted in greyish black.
When everything feels like burdens. When misery rules in the heart.
What if this is an opening? An opportunity? A hidden portal to love and freedom?

What am I beyond my history, beyond my ideas? What is really happening in this moment?

In my life there are moments when I pity myself. There are moments when I feel betrayed, when the world and people around me doesn’t feel fair.

And then there are days when I sink even deeper. When I wonder why on earth I am here. How much pain is there to a life? How much of feeling invisible? Of loosing the love I want, and in these forlorn moments, I feel I deserve.

In these moments it’s as if I am loosing myself, or at least as if I loose touch with my heart, and what’s beyond my thoughts and emotions. It’s like I swim in a pool of sorrow.

What would happen if I went on swimming?
What would happen if I stay in what is?

Maybe something would change, after a time of swimming and embracing all these feelings of misery? Maybe I would have the opportunity to recognize the sea of tears as memories, of something not existing, but in my head? What if I have a possibility to be in reality, searching truth, without having the idea that I already know the answers?

He let go of my hand, his heart is turned in another direction, slowly, slowly he is sliding a way on his new path. I try to grip his hand, try to catch his heart, but I stand there empty handed. It’s painful. Seeing him slowly, like a little ship on a wave, disappearing.

And I swim in my territory, surrounded by my tears. I take a sip of the tears and feel the salty taste in my mouth.

As I see the ship being smaller, I can sense a feeling of freedom, I can feel a curiosity surfacing.

What is life beyond my ideas of life, of the persons taking part of my life?
What if this sea could represent freedom to be me?
What if feelings of misery really are portals to freedom?

What if pain, sorrow and fear are natural states to embrace, what if I now have an opportunity to be aware of that these emotions to some extents aren’t real, that they have invaded my head, creating fears and worries?

How would life be if I could embrace anything? What if what I do, when feeling stuck is phantoms? What if it’s not real? What if my sorrow represents guidance, and that they, quite contrary to what I believe, really is showing me that something new is possible?

What am I beyond ideas about how life should be lived? What am I beyond my history, beyond my ideas? What is really happening in this moment? How does it feel to swim in salty water, when leaving my story behind?

Sometimes it’s as if the periods in my life that has felt almost unbearable, really has showed me that it’s time to find my own path, that it, in a wider perspective, has been a necessity to wake me up, to shake my system, to give me an opportunity to live my life in totality, and not anxiously worry: What if other people judges my choices?

I have seen it many times, crisis as gateways, as portals, as periods of questioning and transformation. I have seen people living through what seemed to be unbearable, and coming through that portal, living the life they really want, taking the necessary decisions and – in many cases – making choices from their hearts, and slowly – or suddenly – discover:

Wow, I am actually happy.
Life here I come.
Love here I come.
There is a possibility to be me, from my heart. I am so grateful.
I embrace what is.

Charlotte Rudenstam is a Swedish author and coach, dedicated to spread words of love, and co-creating a world were we are free to be.

Now and then she writes blogposts in English.

Here is a blogpost on the art of letting go.