Uncovering inner depths by gentle and present touch

My meetings with my inner world sometimes amaze my husband.

To me these meetings are almost tangible. They are real. It’s like I am diving into deeper layers of myself, walking around as an explorer with a flash light, lighting up dark spaces inside, to find a deeper understanding of who I am and the vastness of being a human being.

Yesterday I met Andrew Fretwell in a Chi Nei Tsang-session.

And this is what happened.

My heart fills with compassion, and I am happy that I am here, in this moment, with this run away girl.

He asks me to lay, face down, and just relax. And I follow. I sink in to the massage table with all my presence. He ask me to be relaxed, to let go of my mind and let my body speak and do what ever movement it wants.

I do that. I just lay there. Feeling his soft hands towards my dress. I feel his presence. After a while I notice how my breath starts meeting his hands. It’s like my breathing expands in to his hands wherever he puts them. After a while it feels like I am a part of suttle lovemaking. My breath making love to his touch, his hands making love to my breathing. I sink deeper into my self. I am total. I am presence. And at the same time I’m filled by his gentle touch, which brings me to the depth of my being. It’s like a flowing love wave in my inner universe.

He says my right kidney is stressed and asks me to breath in to it, and let the body act as it wants, no judgment, no mind, no thoughts, just surrender to the movement in the kidney area. Involuntary movements happen. 

And I start seeing pictures, or rather an inner horror movie, of me as a little girl being chased in a forest, in an ancient forest, where the rocks is covered by moss, where there are old trees, and where I often have to climb, being afraid of stumbling on stones or branches. Actually I don’t even see my self. I feel my rapid breath, my heart pumping. I am in this terrified little body, and I am running for my life. I feel the threat from the person chasing me. I feel the presence of a dangerous man. I feel that he wants something essential from me, as my heart or my light or even my life. I feel that this man will not let me sneak away.

As he continues his gentle touch I feel that something is getting stiller inside my body. Some or the tension leaves me, I am no longer terrified, though still in the forest, still being chased, and having the feeling that this is what I have been living all my life, being chased. My heart wants to embrace this scared part of me, this part of me who is always on the run, this part of me who experience the world as a very dangerous place, this part of me who always is on alter, always ready to protect herself, and if necessary run away. My heart fills with compassion, and I am happy that I am here, in this moment, with this run away girl.

I am asked to turn. He still gives me this gentle touch, now in the belly area. My whole belly starts to shake and wobble. New pictures emerge. 

I see a man and a woman trying to plant a seed of evil into my stomach. As if they are from hell and want’s me to have a devils seed within. I cannot do anything to stop them. What they want is to cut me of from my light, or to steel my light, or to make me choose the dark side instead of the light. And it’s like I in my flight mode earlier was there to flee from them, to protect my life, to protect my light.

Suddenly the movement in my belly stops, there is a new sensation inside. It’s like something has left it, it’s like my belly is suddenly free. It’s like I have finally get rid of the evil thing that was forced inside me.

I rest in silence, his hands have left me, I feel an inner sun emerging, and I am surrounded by light, and at the same time being the light, resting gentle on Mother Earth. I hear my self laughing, while gentle tears roll down my cheek.