My heart will go on

Recently I got a reminder about my heart.
How grateful I am for it’s beating and that I shall not take it for granted.
With every beat I feel life in me.

– The only thing I need to do is to die, the man says.

He pointed at the fact the he has nothing more to achieve in this life, and still being in the middle of it all. He is totally well, totally present when saying it. It’s like he is saying: “Since I know that death is the end, and I don’t fear it, I can live in totality now.”

I am a great lover of life, and at the same time it’s getting easier to also embrace the thought of dying. It’s like life feels even more vibrant, when acknowledging the presence of death.

Lately I have met some deaths, which have touched me deeply. I have mourned and cried. I have looked at people closer to the deceased and felt a strong pain, which I connect to them. I miss the persons who have lost their bodies, and at the same time I guess they are now in a peaceful space. I mean being dead, seems simple. The difficulty might be the dying process, and also witnessing a loved one die ... and the feeling of loss.

And then there were other things that saddened me, that woke up fears and worries in me, and sometimes in a context when I can do nothing, but witness. To stand aside a person, wanting to contribute with love or compassion, and not having the possibility to serve, but from a distance. I felt an ache in my heart. I wanted to stretch myself out, being there in totality, and then feeling... I’m searching an adequate word, feeling helpless, feeling stripped of means to serve, witnessing with growing pain in my own body.

Suddenly something hits me. I feel a pain in my heart that makes me crumble. It hurts. And this pain comes again, and again. It’s a new pain and I don’t really know what it is. Is my heart trying to tell me something?

I start googeling. I find the broken heart syndrome, telling that a women’s heart might break from emotional pressure. And I recognize the signs, the pressure I have felt for some time; a mixture of my own strong emotions, and some feelings and emotions wandering from others towards me, and to some extents entering my system. When the heart hurt the most, I felt, that it told me “It’s been a bit to much for you lately, it’s time to relax”.

The third day I made a phone call. They asked me to go to the hospital. I want there. It all went very fast. No line. Within 15 minutes I met two nurses and two doctors and they took several tests. And the result: It was not my heart, this time. It was muscles contracting. Nothing dangerous at all.

When walking home, I felt such a relief. My heart will beat on. And maybe, maybe, there is some truth to what I heard it say to me: Sometimes you are to hard on your self, Charlotte, sometimes you are trying to much, sometimes you are to much trying to help or save others, sometimes your compassion turn in to something that doesn’t serve yourself.

And I remember the words I often say to clients, or to groups:

“You are the most important person in your life. Be kind to your self.”

Taking the walk to the hospital, checking the heart, was an act of kindness, to myself. And I realize that is was also kind to my loved ones, showing them I care for my health, really wanting to let my heart beat for years to come, playing and loving life.

Charlotte Cronquist is a warrior of love.

Love is the answer