Practicing the wheel of consent at home
Callian, France, September 28th, 2021
Suddenly is the tiles outside our house turn dark from the rain drops. Some minutes later the rain beats heavily towards the ground. And in a minute or two there is thunder and lightning, very nearby. Well it’s not like the house is shaking, but close to. It’s impressing, stunning, wild and wonderful. And it doesn’t scare me. I feel safe. (And the electricity works all the time…)
We had an idea to visit a bamboo garden, created by a lover of Japan, just half an hour away. But to walk in the heavy rain, doesn’t seem like a valid alternative.
I mean, we have a much more playful option. To make our little bedroom a tantric playroom for the afternoon.
I put on the radiator, to make the room warmer. Staffan takes care of the coconut oil, warms it to body temperature. And we put in some candles, and make the bed really cosy.
Inviting us both into the space, we sit naked opposite each other, starting out with a softer sharing, including wishes.
We decide to use the wheel of consent, meaning that each of us will in turn be served, accept touch, take and allow touch. There is a whole philosophy around that - to create a space where outspoken consent is the key. ”Will you… yes I will” ”May I … yes you may”.
So we start with the serving-accept-dyad. Staffan asks me if I want to give him a backmassage, and I answer: Yes I will.
We set each turn to 15 minutes. Playing soft music, while massaging. And for me the giving is also sort of a receiving, having the opportunity to touch, even if the pleasure is directed towards him. So when I serve him, it’s for him, and if I enjoy do it, it’s merely a bonus effect.
When it’s my turn I also choose a massage. And since I started out as the giver, it’s much more easy for me to relax under his touch. And I feel how soreness in my body losen and I relax more and more.
And then we sit there again, face to face, to make the take and allow dyad. It’s up to me to start. To ask to do something with his body for my pleasure, and do what he allows. First I need a little moment to find what I want in this moment (sometimes that is the most difficult part)… and then I find something. When asking ”may I …” I can not be sure he will allow my suggestion. And that is sort of part of it. A slight risk taking. A possibility to ask to do something that might be new or unusual. Shame might surface. And the great thing is, that I can ask anything, knowing that nothing will happen that overrides his boundaries. This is really an opportunity to take, with love and consent. And during the 15 minutes, many impulses can be born, and I can ask for any, and sometimes there might be a no. ”Do you have another suggestion”. And that is okay.
In the taking allowing dyad, is the taker that gets the gift of being allowed to touch, and the one thanking for this opportunity afterwards, while in the serving-accepting dyad is the person receiving the touch, the more passive one, that says thank you.
And when it’s Staffans turn to take, and up to me to allow, I choose to allow things that isn’t my preference, but is okay for me. The taking is for him, and my role is to support that, as long as it’s within my consent. This time it’s about his pleasure, and if I get excited, it’s just a bonus.
And as the 15 minutes has passed, we sit face to face again, just to say that this part of the journey is finished for now.
And now comes the time of the free flow. Of meeting each others body and soul, and do what ever love making we feel like. Two hours later the rain is gone, and I feel refreshed and soft, knowing that touch is my most important love language. I am happy we share this, the enjoyment of touch and pleasure.
Charlotte Cronquist is a warrior of love
Love is the answer
